A child's mindless rattle

A tooth-less rattle

Wednesday, November 30, 2005
11:34 PM

I had a dream of you this morning. I guess the buffet dinner made me remember memories of you that I've hidden away over time. I didn't forget intentionally but it's not easy handling the grieve alone. Maybe I inherited this from mom, I never saw her cry over you too.

How are you? It's been 3 years. Different religions say you're in different places. Whether or not you're up there, I wish you're well. The dream today made me feel like you were here, and I teared a little when I woke up. The truth is, I never stopped grieving and the very thought of you brings tears to my eyes that I rather not talk about it sometimes.

I walked through the familiar steps to your house. I let myself in, not expecting to see you there. You're gone, what was I expecting? The ceiling fan was on and the afternoon sun was shining into the living room. It was dusty, I didn't bother to take off my shoes. I walked into your room, the air smells just like you. The pictures of us on your desk, a bed fully made....

I heard the kettle. Weird. Who's it at the kitchen? Being curious, I walked to the kitchen and there you are, looking quite the same. You were doing your daily chores, and.. it seems like I was the 'ghost'. You couldn't see me, you just carried on.

I panicked. Why are you standing right in front of me? I ran, and eventually it hit me that there's nothing to be afraid of. You're you, the one who has always loved me in ways like a parent to a child. There's nothing to be afraid of.

I walked back to the kitchen, sat on a chair and watched you for awhile. The familiar back, the slow walk....

You turned and grabbed a chair. I asked you what you were doing here, and all you said was... 'You only see what you want to see'. I reached out for you, and yes, I could feel you -Solid and warm. A hug it was, and I started crying.

That's when I realize it was a dream when I woke up to the familiar buzz of the aircon and the soft snore from my fluffy dog.

I miss you. I think the road I'm taking will be so much easier if you're around. I know things will be different. Weekend family dinners, omni-max movies, and all other things I miss doing with you. It feels like I haven't had enough time with you.

I miss you. I wish you knew that.

The End!